“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
“Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.”
“I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
“God created war so that Americans would learn geography.”
“If you don’t read the newspaper, you’re uninformed. If you read the newspaper, you’re mis-informed.”
“Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”
“Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see.”
“Education: the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”
“If animals could speak, the dog would be a blundering outspoken fellow; but the cat would have the rare grace of never saying a word too much.”
“A clear conscience is the sure sign of a bad memory.”
“A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.”
“The human race has only one really effective weapon and that is laughter.”
“Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
“If voting made any difference they wouldn’t let us do it.”
“I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
“Of all God’s creatures, there is only one that cannot be made slave of the leash. That one is the cat. If man could be crossed with the cat it would improve the man, but it would deteriorate the cat.”
“I have a higher and grander standard of principle than George Washington. He could not lie; I can, but I won’t.”
“There are many humorous things in the world; among them, the white man’s notion that he is less savage than the other savages.”
“Education consists mainly of what we have unlearned.”
“Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.”
“It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt”
“If Christ were here there is one thing he would not be—a Christian.”
“It’s easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled.”
“There’s one way to find out if a man is honest: ask him; if he says yes, you know he’s crooked.”
“Politicians and diapers must be changed often, and for the same reason.”
“I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him.”
“Training is everything. The peach was once a bitter almond; cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.”
“The man who is a pessimist before 48 knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.”
“Good judgement is the result of experience and experience the result of bad judgement.”
“When a man loves cats, I am his friend and comrade, without further introduction.”
“A gentleman is someone who knows how to play the banjo and doesn’t.”
Samuel Clemens